Today was a total spin cycle.
The kind of day that unleashes, and fuels your inner critic. Her voice taking over and planting seeds of doubt all through your confidence zones. You know the kind of day I'm talking about?
I'm mindful to not define myself by my work, yet in saying that, what I do for a living isn't just a job for me, its a career. Constantly a goal or achievement to accomplish, I always go into work wanting MORE - my inner Yonce demands more from myself, yearns to do big things and make a difference. I live it, I breathe it, I am switched on all the time thinking of new ideas, seeking inspiration and studying everything within my industry.
When you have a day that unexpectedly just knocks you off your ladder, it tends to make you think - am I even good at the thing I love doing?
So many self tormenting thoughts went through my mind today, those questions that punish us women more often than not. You know the ones:
- Why can't I be better?
- Why is my best not enough?
- Maybe I'm not enough
- Have I made the wrong choice?
- Will this ever get better?
- Will I ever be good enough?
- What next?
Awful isn't it? I too often let this voice beat me, and honestly it's hard not to. When you put so much of yourself in yet keep getting knocked down, it does become personal - because it's your work not being enough for the task at hand. My love for my career is a big part of my life when you have a few blows that make you question what you thought were your strengths - how do you fight back? It's like in order to succeed, you need to back yourself yet this is hard when you have given all you've got and you're left wondering if you are worth backing in the first place. And it sucks when you get to that.
All I (and anyone else who has moments like these) can do, is acknowledge that today sucked. It hurt my confidence and it has made me doubt myself. I'm sure its not the last time I'll feel like this, and it sure as heck isn't the first. I suppose it comes down to how much you want it, doesn't it? All I want it to be the best at what I do and if there are moments when my best just isn't enough, then that just means there is more room to keep trying until I get there.
Have you ever felt like this before? What's your trick to help you stay steady on that ladder?
Look I will begin this post with full disclaimers in that by no means do I pretend to write with a voice that has any reputable grounding whatsoever in the world that is politics. But with recent events having come to light the past week in Australian politics, it has triggered a response I felt the need to write about.
Our Prime Minister Julia Gillard was bumped by Kevin 07 to take back the top seat in the job (long story short). What affected me more was the post fallout response in the world of blogging. It is it fair to say a mass amount of female writers instantly jumped on the feminist bandwagon and cried out in uproar, too easily playing the jaded woman card. Women writers that I aspire to be like, that I read and am inspired by daily suddenly irritated me with the big 'who ha' over how since we have lost a female role model, what will happen to all the little girls of the world now that the only female reign of power has ceased?
See I think that's incorrect. It was wonderful to see the world progress to a position that could have a female leading the country- purely because it was a first. But from what I know, she wasn't doing a fabulous job and lost her footing to have yes, a man come back to take the rightful role. Why, are the women of Oz all in a rage that now the future generations suddenly have no role model? Who follows a role model that simply, was not doing a great job? It is all well and good to hold the title of a very powerful job- but if you are not getting the job done then existing in that role in the wrong ways is hardly something to aspire to.
Personally, (and remember this post is entirely my personal opinion-someone who does not know liberal from labour) I think role models are an amazing thing, and if you are seeking for that extra zest in your life to encourage you to reach your dreams - you seek out a role model that helps you get there. Which could be the checkout girl at Kmart, a male writer, it could be a female colleague, a male public personality, it could be a pop star and it could be a female politician. Regardless of your hopes and dreams if you find someone to inspire you, then they will still do that. I don't believe just because a women no longer leads this country that now all future women will fall to pieces without such a public figure to look up to. I find it a little ye olde that we still feel the need to so publicly bang on and fight this battle of mars vs venus. If someone is right for the job, and will get the job done successfully then so be it. I don't think that we suddenly need to strive to have females hold all the top roles in the universe just so the rest of us sistahs can have something to 'aspire' to.
For me, I have multiple role models in both the female and male form from a BROAD range of skills that inspire me daily. Roxy Jacenko, Zoe Foster Blake, Gala Darling, Asher Keddie, Jessica Rudd, Kerri Sackville, My Mum, my three female cousins, and my female team mates at work.
+ Richard Branson, Johnny Depp, My Dad, My Uncle, many male bosses/colleagues I've had, Ian Kenny, Dave Hosking and many, many male musicians that inspire me with just one lyric of their music.
I think it's wrong that we are sending out the message to the little girls of disappointment, of resenting men, of 'oh that's a pity now we no longer have a female prime minister all the dreams shall die out a little all simply because a man leads the way instead of a female'. Why should it be any different based on gender? As long as we are striving for equality across then genders then if a little girl has the dream to one day lead the country - then that dream should exist and be inspired by the people who have reached that role, who get the job done successfully. Not rest on the ideal of waiting to see a female get there first, that you could only ever achieve your goal if another female gets there first.
Go out on your own, find your own role model in any way, shape, form or sex. Find the magic in whatever it is that lights the spark within you to motivate you to make the most of your life and be the best at what you do. Don't wait for a public figure to set the tone for what you can achieve. Maybe the power a male holds in a certain role could inspire you to get that for yourself?
If equality is to be reached then step out and achieve what makes you feel powerful and great at life- don't wait to be led into your dream, jump into it headfirst yourself!
