All My Loving

Whilst this post is of a more personal nature, I want you to read it and hopefully have it resonate somewhere within you if you have ever had a little heartache brought on by someone who 'you thought was different', someone you trusted and ultimately someone you completely let yourself be vulnerable to.

I'm at a very transitional time in my life, a time where I am SO SO aware of every thought and every action. Recently, I was hit with a few roadblocks all at once and by gosh it took the wind out of my sails. When your love life goes amiss, and your treasured work haven turns upside down, it truly becomes hard to find your feet and a sense of purpose when the things that made you smile have gone to shit.

I am a big believer in finding the lessons in things. Are you?
With my topsy turvy dose of what I can only describe as emotional hell lately, the kind where people close to you are the ones causing these negative headspace and yucky feelings, to be honest I just am not sure of what this lesson is and I certainly have spent my fair share of time considering the 'but why's' of it all - this kind of self torture doesn't help anyone, least of all me.

I cant speak for others actions, nor can I find the answers by re-living the hurts so what I AM going to do instead, is choose to move forward, I am choosing light and choosing not to dwell in the little holes left by these men, friends and exes, because I know they will be filled one day and I also am going to choose to treasure the moments of light I did have with them.

So sending you all love.

• I wish you and your girlfriend happiness in your new home
• I wish your career well and that your times with the boys bring you happiness
• I send you love to your new life overseas and the adventures you are having
• I am proud you have accepted your true self and cant wait to watch your journey as the real you continues
• I hope that you find the girl that makes you honest and accountable
• I hope that you stop being tempted to stray from your partner. I hope that you be a better boyfriend
• I hope your travels are magical
• I really hope, that people will get to see the side of you I knew, loved and adored. I hope they get to feel the way you helped me feel. Even if I don't get to be there with you anymore, I hope that I encouraged you to continue to keep being a better person, to think through your actions and to believe in yourself as a good person. I hope the important people see you do that.
• I hope you find what you're looking for, I hope the moments you had with me were nice. 
• I am sorry to those that I have hurt, I hope in my times of feeling unsure I haven't left anyone too broken, and in the same sense, I hope that my role in your lives helped redirect you all to where you need to be.

My advice for you, the reader - send them love. The past is done, the future cannot be controlled so live in the present and offer your well wishes as a present in the NOW. Go on, try it - put some magical love into the world whether you are receiving it or craving it, be the person spreading some lovely energy out into the world, that's the best you can do so do it well xx

The Bachelor US Nail-Biting Recap

Well I just watched The Bachelor US and sweet holy guacamole I was on edge of my seat the entire time! These girls are so terribly invested in the fairy tale ending...in particular, the story ending with Sean Lowe.

Meet Sean. Hi Sean!

It was down to these final two birds, Lindsay and Catherine.

Meet the girls. Sean has abit of a type...

It was a tough play, both were little, bubbly brunettes who loved being 'goofy' with Sean. Lindsay was really cute and loved a laugh and she was initially my favourite for this episode. By episode I mean 3 hour battle up the aisle! Catherine didn't do too much for me to start with, except that I did find her edgy and just soo chilled - she wasn't too gushy about Sean, just enjoyed herself in each moment. (Whereas sweet Loony Lindsay quite confidently dropped some pretty big love bombs such as 'this is the day I get engaged' and 'I love his family and am so excited for how they are about to make my life so much better'.

Lindsay also thought it would be soo 'goofy' to rock up in a wedding dress on the first night...

Needless to say, poor Lindsay lost out and spent the car ride back to the airport sobbing gut wrenchers like the following:

• "All my life I've wanted this, it was dangled in front of me then ripped away"
• "Everything I've ever wanted I had, and now someone else has it instead"
• "Why, why?"
• "How could he do this to me?"
• "It's not fair"
• "I don't want to be alone"

Her world tumbling down around her (cue next shot with flames coming out her eyeballs)

The 'how could he do this' and 'I dont want to be alone' moment

Here's what I was yelling (with my mind) through the screen to the poor sod....

• "All my life I've wanted this, it was dangled in front of me then ripped away"
  It's OK. If you have wanted this all your life you will still continue to want it. Now you know how much it means to you and will have an even greater appreciation when the RIGHT One is dangled in front of you and you pull him off the hook and name him Sqooshy and call him yours forever.
• "Everything I've ever wanted I had, and now someone else has it instead"
  It's OK. If it belongs to someone else then why would you want what's theirs? It's not a mistake, look for how you can take this experience and make yourself even better for Sqooshy! Wait for what's yours - its coming!
• Why, why?
  There is no why. Don't seek for the why. It's a morbid question that will only plunge you further into the depths of TimTams and tissues. Think of the times you have turned down a guy because something just wasn't quite right- it's not them, it's YOU and what YOU want for YOU. Accept what's happened. Embrace it, and move forward even stronger than you thought you were. You are only dealt what you can handle.
• How could he do this to me?
  Oh Blind Lindsay. He didn't 'DO' it to you, he did it to himself. This is what he needs and is whats right for him. It has nothing to do with you as a person! Side note: Poor Sean was actually gutted in having to make a choice and hurt you- He couldn't have both of you (swingerz) so he choose the One he felt strongest for in his heart. Would you really want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you?
• It's not fair...
  Nope, it's not. But neither is wishing away your life for him and ending up on the sweet receiving end of an inevitable heartbreak down the track when those feelings have multiplied by a million and yet something is still missing...You've gotta have the shit times so when the good times roll into your life you can look back and go 'oh my, why did I waste so much time on that?'
• I don't want to be alone >>>> (Lindsay is 24...)
  Dear dear Lindsay, you WONT be alone!! And if by the very slim shake that you are, it will be because you will have chosen that as your path and you will be happy with that choice!

Considering I used to be this kid...

I was pretty impressed with mine and Lindsay's chin wag!

After the tragic Lindsay incident, me and the live audience are waiting for Sean's proposal...but Catherine has sent him a letter instead! He opens it anndddd cue very poorly timed torturous ad break.

The audience and me are now nail-less as Sean returns to our screens reading the letter. We are all nervous as Catherine has been such a cool cat this entire 'journey', its very possible she has decided this love game ain't her thang and is about to ink-dump Sean leaving him with NO ONE! But ballzy Catherine's voice over quickly brings us a sigh of relief as it turns out she fights for what she wants and has written the letter proposing to HIM!

Swoon!!!

Sean says "every time we say goodbye I miss you...I don't want to say goodbye anymore"

Catherine nearly vomits with the overwhelm of love she is feeling. She says "I'm so addicted to you....you're so my prince"

Ahh LOVE it!!!

I too, would love Ring. I mean Sean...

Enter traditional Bachelor elephant as they are her favourite animal and in keeping with all other love successes of past seasons, we know Thailand means bareback elephant rides into the sunset. Catherine is so that cool as she, quite simply, exclaims "that's so awesome..you're my fiancé...this is cool." Yeah Catherine, it IS awesome!

This is what lurrrvveeee looks like. These two kids are SOO goofy, nawwww!

Love Lesson 1: Catherine was laidback and embracing of the chance to find love. She had been hurt in the past- just like everyone else- so she was abit cautious yet being a strong independent female she was sending out major love attraction beams to Sean and resulted in wooing him with her natural carefree approach to life. The Lindsays, are reminded of what they want not as punishment so they can sob in the ego of 'oh but why dont I have that', but so they can appreciate the end goal when it arrives.

If there is one thing I know about boyz, it's that he will only arrive when you are ready. Those loved up love gods aren't sitting on their lovesacks caught up in One Direction DVDs forgetting about you - they are calmly watching you go along your journey, smiling as you find your own way to readiness, and usually, Sqooshy will only pop into your life once you have learnt to love YOURSELF first.

The After The Rose special saw Lindsay come back and thank Sean for the experience. She was genuinely happy for him and Catherine, with retrospect she was able to appreciate that the experience showed her what she wanted and realise that even though it did hurt she is now so much more of a stronger person. You go girl!

Edit: Ohh but THEN she spent the next part of the interview drilling Sean asking 'what went wrong/what changed/when did he know/what was wrong with her/what did she do wrong?'

Love Lesson 2: Don't pretend to be OK either, that wont hurry up the process!

Sooo still not quite there girl but she nearly had it!!

All images mooched from this collection

For The Love of Money

Lets talk money. I love it, you love it, we all love it.

Now what about when you are 'dating' someone, how much do you love it then?

For me personally, I always offer to pay when (in the very rare instance) I am out with a male. In my mind I tend to think, well we both work and we are both here so we can both pay. HOWEVER in saying that, it does become tricky when said male just LETS you pay. The voice in your head then says 'Nooooo! I was totally hoping I wouldn't so I can buy that new dress tomozzles'. Food vs imagined new wardrobe can cause stressors in a chickos life. Funny isn't it?

I dated a guy once who was such a dollar whore. We would be out and it would come to paying and he had three sweet and reliable maneuvers he would pull:

1. Read the bill, break it down and casually inform me 'oh just put in $43 for you then'
2. Say no no I got this. I would melt and thank him and feel like such a chuffed dame. Until then at our next venture, the bill would arrive and he would look at me pointedly and say 'did you wanna get this one?'
3. Take my fake offer of a pineapple with no protest and quietly put it down to pay with...

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Umm hello gentlemen of The Shire, when your lady date lays down a fiddy - it's a fake move ALWAYS a fake move. No lady wants to pay a sweet yellow on a first date, she is PRETENDING!! This is a trick to see how white knight on a horse you can be. Everyone knows a fiddy is too much, and too awkward of a note to have to try and break down - hence why a dame offers it up in the first place, as one doth know the fiddy will be shortly returned to her wallet for further use toward pretty garments.

Going forward should a lady offer you her highest bill, politely decline and if she persists then come to an arrangement. I am more than happy to pay my fair share on a recurring dating stretch but on the first date this is a no no. A young lad needs to woo a girl and make her feel worth being paid for, particularly when dining in The Shire when the bill total would rarely go over $50 anyway!

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Another time when I was on THE WORST DATE EVER (read: another post for another day), it was the opposite scenario where I almost got in fisticuffs with said date over a bottle of water! (I feel the need to add here he was of Croatian heritage and hence had a very fiery Croatian passion). He had paid for dinner and took me for ice cream, all very lovely and at the ice cream shop I felt abit parched so grabbed a water from the fridge to buy myself, which little did I know was to be the start of a showdown between me and date. The poor awkward server girl watched on, as we politely but firmly had our first fight (that went for a ridiculously long period) over who pays for the water. For the water for the love of money!!

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Or how about the time I went to lunch with a colleague (read: Non date scenario) and he got up to pay and returning to the table, I thanked him for lunch to which he looked shocked at my assumption he had just paid for both us! Can I get a hashtag awkward??


What are your thoughts on the  Australian Dollar? Needeth the lady pay on the first courting or shall the knight lay down the coin?

Love is in the air

Just when I was beginning to panic about my very quiet mind, along comes Valentines Day and the light bulb obligatory single lady post is generated.

Now before eyes roll, this is not a woe is me I hate love and happiness and I could go out to dinner alone tonight if I wanted to kind of post. This is the first big day of hearts and Hallmark in years that I have probably NOT spent the day trying to be "strong and happy" and 'thats fine I don't really need a man anyway mmhmm Sharnay..' I actually woke up light and excited, except unlike any other day, in the sense of really strongly, I could feel the love in the air. And that was kinda nice. AND no I don't even remotely have a man that could explain this sway of feelings. It was nice to see woman with cheeky smiles on their faces, and the floral efforts from boyfriends of Facebook captured in a snapshot.

I DO (no pun intended) think it is ironic how all the statuses come out to play with the declarations of love. Not attracted to mush myself I admit, that shall the loved up day come for me one time, I will be partial to a bit of flower and choccy treatment (mainly choccy, can't eat flowers). I just think it is funny to be suddenly flooded with one of two takes on good ol Cupids Day.

 

The couples, all instantly realise they are couples with the very public 'I have the best boyfriend in the world, love you baybe mwah mwah mwah' vs the 'trying to ignore the happy couples, love my ladies, who needs boys, where's a cliff?'' ones- why is it that one day can make us so black and white about love? If you are in a relationship, is he not obviously the best person in the entire world every other day as well?

And THEN, the single sisters like myself skirt the edges of being too self righteous and feminist when we declare- that we are actually really single and happy! The loved up lass's nod sympathetically whilst the smug voice in their head (we all have a voice in our heads, mine is called Babette) says just you wait, a man WILL make you feel rainbows and butterflies and ohh the flowers you will see! And the fellow single ready to mingles will be like whatever boy germs are gross, we are all the woman who independent (throw your hands up at meehh).

You can't win. I personally had a cracker of a day. I went to work early, had some laughs, shared the love, received a card from a secret admirer (who was not so secret and actually was just following my earlier instructions to get me a card), learnt some wisdom about men, giggled at Facebook "why did I wake up today" vs "I'm so blessed I am with an everyday hero, and don't forget he is the only amazing person in the WORLD" updates, I ate chocolate and worked back late. And I'm happy.

Why can't we love everyone everyday? Can we wake up tomorrow and still feel magical about everyone in our lives? Or do we wait another year to stop and remind ourselves how lucky love is whether we are single or taken? And when can we eat chocolate next?!

Dot Points

As the new year looms my head is doing a mental clean out and prepping itself for what could be in store. One thing I have decided is that everything from my past will stay in the past and not come into 2013. By ‘everything’ I mean da boys.

Looking back this year has been a year that extracts the sound ‘pifssshhhpossfffhhh’ from my mouth, similar to the sound of exasperated air leaving my body. Life for me is never dull, I admit when the oober original question ‘and are there any boys in your life?’  is asked, I do always have some sort of humourous/dramatic/never-ending stooorrryyy to tell. However, I am B-O-R-E-D!! The boys of this year’s past are what I refer to as 'time fillers'. I feel like it’s the Universe dropping them into my life like a puppet-master dangling strings and teasing saying ‘how bout this one? No? Ok fine cause it wasn’t happening anyway’. 

To give a better picture to those outside my inner circle who have not yet enjoyed the 2012 Chronicles of Leeshs' boys here is a brief dot pointed summary:

•  Started the year with Smokey Joe who although was a very nice boy, and had all the same future dreams and values as me, was also not without the cancer stick in hand and turns out, this is something I do not value.
  
  
•   Took myself off to the US of A for a getaway and had the token Vegas hookup with a nice English boy, again nothing really wrong with this one, mesmorized by the goddess gal that is Leesh, he immediately offered to come to Sydney for me, and took all forms of communication deets off me i.e facebook, email and US phone number. (Ok this one was my fault, growing up in the shelter of the Shire doesn’t really equip you for knowing how to deal with an international admirer).
  
  
•  A continual facebook (romance at its best), texting and casual hang out relationship with The One Who Got Away from ghosts of boyfriends past- but me thinks this one should remain The One Who Got Away (which was a nice discovery actually that knowing I will not die wondering)
  
  
•  An annoying Will They, Won’t They Situation with long term best friend. Still annoying and without conclusion (although again, a lot my fault for being indecisive and holding onto a distant fantasy of finding someone new, on my own without relying on the ol textbook besty to step in)
  
  
• The odd innocent/inappropriate crush on my part with boys on trains, lift boys, office building boys and older men- generally amounting to a facebook status.
  
  
• The "reoccurrings": random repeat offenders with no progress, or purpose other than being a funny confusing 'what the' story.  Some of these are the usual phone happy handful of Shire boys who turn to Old Faithful Leesh for the odd texty text, upon what motivations I have no clue (a drop of the alco sweet stuff might play a part) but you gotta give props for consistency, and spare a thought to what on earth made them message me? (again, probs just the liquid courage)
  

Yes, my milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard, and the above tends to read a little like scenes from many a rom com movies yet the movie has not ended and I am fairly unimpressed with this years events.

I do wonder after past woes, having become very self aware, stopped caring so much, and established my standards accepting nothing less, I am now making my own life until some One comes along and can even better my life and self- is that to romanticised?

The boys of The Shire are fun, visually delightful and have a lifestyle and personality that I am more so inclined towards, but is that ye old catch 22 of the south- how many fish can you throw back in the sea? The boys of 2012 have been amusing/time filling but in no way take me breath away-ish.

In reflection, this year I have also experienced new levels of happiness is surrounding myself with some really good female eggs; gigging, DJ Leesh-ing, dancing retro and enjoying laughter and ‘virtual’ affection with my soul sistah lady friends and that in itself has been amazing and proven that I Don’t Need A Man to make me happy. (semi cringe at the single lady anthem just there but you get the point)

Hence, in 2013 none of these dot points are coming with me and I vow to continue through enjoying a focus on my career and loving life with my lady friends by my side. When and if, the Universe decides to give me something worth excitement, well then, I will be well and truly grateful for the Lucky Lad (and he will be my Squishy and I shall call him Squishy)

·    *  Kelis, Pussycat Dolls, and Nemo references all for your enjoyment

L.O.V.E

As a single lady the most given piece of advice I receive is 'when it's right, you'll know' and 'it won't take work, it will just happen'. What baffles me about love is that the people who are in these relationships, only know that once you have it. If you are on the other side of the fence you have no clue. Lately I have been pondering this fact on the relationships around me.

For example, Doting Doris met her fiance on a blind date thus proving the tried and tested theory of 'once in a blue moon' and with similar family, height and values, they are happily engaged. They have it.

Affectionate Antoinette was in a four year relationship with a good friend of mine, one of those couples that are just adorkable and you think suit each other so well. But things went downhill, bad and fast. No sooner had this cherub fallen from the love nest then in swooped a lovely Prince, and now THEY are a couple that you can only hope to be like and ridiculously perfect, their deep love and respect for each other oozes out in their presence. They have it.

Glorious Gloria is in a relationship with her true equal, same interests, same style and same beautiful personality. They have it.

Long term Lucinda had her heart broken by her love. But then fate intervened and like a true Prince he spent the better part of a year making it up to her and now as simple as that, they too have it.

But then I have friends like these:

Chasing Cheryl who instead of hanging out for that true soulmate, just wants a relationship for the sake of having ownership on someone and devotes all of herself to giving up everything for these boys. Every man met is an instant lover and all else is forsaken in the chase for claiming the Frog.

Passive Patty who is so blind to what she has had to sacrifice for her relationship, that she still stands by her man and at the peak of putting up with less than average treatment, still troops on, whether through a belief he can change or whether she too, just needs a man, I am not sure.

Fix-it Fern who persists with a completely unavailable married man, pours her own money into helping him out, loses so many personal identifying things and still devotes herself to this man. In between, she also devotes herself to men of similar calibre to fill the need to take care of someone. She just does not get it.

I too have been known to have many a crazy lady moment but it does make me wonder how come the rational lady cannot shine until she is in a settled relationship? I suppose the answer is because of the 'journey' and that's all fine and dandy. When you have it, you have it, things are clear, they are meant to be and it just works. But until then, all the singles and the should-be-singles will send that drunk texty text, they will justify every dodge piece of manly behaviour, they carry around the emergency makeup kit so they can look casually hot, they will wait 16.23 minutes to coolly reply to a message and they will sit on his facebook page monitoring his actions.

LOVE indeed, works in mysterious ways.

Oh Father!

Happy Fathers Day to all the daddy's out there but in particular to my Dad, who is the BEST Dad in the entire world and for all the things he does for the four ladies in the Bourke residence; there are no words to even summarise my thanks. Love you.

 

 

On this sunny Sunday we had the annual Fathers Day breakfast...

 

 

...even Cupcake got amongst it!