Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Rollercoasting Changes

Lately I have been trapped in an amusement park that is my life. As a wise man (Ronan Keating) once said (sang) 'life is a rollercoaster just gotta ride it'...and holy moly am I riding it.

I feel as if the emotions I have been dealing with of late have me on a rollercoaster that unfortunately is dipping and dropping and spinning around and I'm waiting for the slow climb back up.

My career is whooping my ass at the moment and although it is one of the most important things in my life, I feel like the ride has whipped the ground out from under me. I can't keep up, sapped of all energy and without a moment spare to even attempt to shine bright like a diamond (Rihanna) and be good at what I do. Feeling like I've taken two steps forward, ten steps back, flying by the seat of my pants instead, and none of it in my control. Losing my confidence all because time won't permit some self love and nourishment. If the ride could just get to the top and stop if only to give me a minute to catch my breath. The winds are bringing change with it and my lacklustre acceptance toward changes in my life means that I am also struggling to embrace what the unknown holds for me. Instead, I am focusing on what I am losing, not what I could be gaining.

I do that sometimes, (often) I live in my past and worry that I don't know what my future holds. I yearn for what I have lost, rather than be content with what I now have.

In other life news, God I am angry. I have so much anger and I don't know where to direct it. Again, change comes beyond my control over something long ago dealt with and boy am I struggling. If I were a ice-cream sundae then I certainly have been dressed with multiple cherries on top. When change happens, and you can't control it- how do you process it? Hurt and hatred combine like powers of the Captain Planet team (oddly enough, not my first Captain Planet reference on this blog). I am lost in my extreme feelings of anger because they are almost drowned by helplessness. Smothered by absolutely no clue as to what path to take next, what step to take forward and leave the past where it belongs AND do it all with acceptance and peace. I am empty, lost and angry, and have nowhere to offload it.

This post may sound sad but it's not. I started with a quote from Ronan for goodness sake, that is pure joy in itself! I am just overwhlemed by life and feelings and I can't get off the ride to stop the dizzy. Of course, I have my seatbelt and vomit bucket (friends) but I just want to sit down with some fries and watch the show. Instead I'm stuck on the bloody rollercoaster!

Have you ever felt like you were on a ride and couldn't get off? Or did you go and play it safe with the moving clowns heads instead?