Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Not So Happy Ending

I adore Chrissie Swan. So I guess it could be a compliment slash difference-between-being-a-profesh-writer-vs-little-old-me that the exact blog post I had stored away in my  to do list head actually became almost word for word the article she published in this weekends Sunday Life lift out.

My turn:

Not to be deterred, I too would like to support her article with my take of massage time (the ending was not happy). Now I am a bandit for a yental massage (note: yental as in my funny way of saying oriental, not to be confused with my mothers interpretation of Jew)*

After a very intense two weeks comprising of one week working long hours and a second week eating, living, sleeping (not really), breathing, drinking (oh there was drinking), being onsite for my event ('my' as in an internationally successful company at large that I am a blip on the radar of) I was TIRED.

Majority of my workplace wonderful soul sistahs got to then have a long weekend to relax. I however was the lucky recipient to have to then drop roll into my 5 day study cave (its so lonely in here, not the nicest of caves) in order to learn a semester's worth of work for an upcoming exam (this post may or may not also be an excellent procrastination result).
I thought, being such a bandit for the yental massage, on my first day of hell I would start it with a trip to ye olde Westfield town to get a good knot releasing rub down.


I was first in to the shop, a sweet little lady (smiling assassin)  ushered me in and offered me the oil option, to which I replied happily, why not, this is such a treat! (wrong). I lay ready, she scuffs in and places two hands on my back and ahhh i instantly relaxed (instant defined here as no one will ever invent noodles as instant as that moment), she then began to pummel her superhuman strength down into my back. Initially, it was like slight-cringe-but-I-can-see-how-this-will-feel-good-after feeling (wrong), then as she pinched nerves in my neck I didn't know I had, she softly giggles and asks yoh okkahhyy? To which a normal human might say no mother f**ker I am not. To which I replied, ooh yes, bit sore but fine thanks.
The knuckle sandwich came next and again, the body weight of a sumo expelling out of this tiny woman and into my tiny back (insert start of tears and sniffles here), again so softly, yoh okkkahhyy? (giggles)
e: mmmhpphh *sniff sniff* mmphfiiinnnneee, bit sore but you're fine.

I think its interesting to note that when under the weight of an elephant, most of us tend to take that moment to compliment the work of said gigantor elephant, rather than express our actual feeling of death, (it was death, I saw a light) don't we?

This is preeettttyyy much what she did to me #creativelicense

I literally cried the entire time, bit my lip and wriggled around as much as I could chanting to myself no pain no gain. Ahhhh the serenity. 1 minute left to go and the small house is now pressing into some gold almighty nugget of knot in my sidal tookus region (aka side butt cheek), now breaking out in a sweat and having to do I'm-in-labour breathing techniques, she giggles and checks if another 5 minutes is okkahhyy so she can do my other sidal tookus region (left butt cheek).
Me: (nervous laugh) oh sure, ha ha you better get to it then, ooh bit sore but you're fine.

Did I mention that the sidal tookus segment of my massage was being performed with the SUV straddled over me on the table, while my leg was bent back up resting playfully next to my ear?

Massage concluded and an extra $5 for the 5 minutes in left sidal tookus region heaven, I stood up to get dressed to find a fellow topless participant in the form of hairy old man lying no less than .5 meters away from me- little Titantic cruise ship forgot to close curtain as she exited so it was almost a boozies ahoy moment for me there. I left sweaty, bruised, tear stained face and with a complimentary unnaturally voluminous 'do.

Oddly enough, its 5 days later and I could semi go back again, just feeling a little bit sore... 

*casual racism disclaimer goes here.

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